By Ashabi
Have you ever wondered why your relationships consistently end the way they do? Why you unconsciously sabotage your relationships? Repeat the same destructive actions in every relationship? There are many factors that influence how we behave in our relationships with others, how we handle these relationships and how much we value them.
One of those factors is our attachment style. In a study created by psychoanalyst John Bowlby in 1969 and popularized by Mary Ainsworth in the 1970s, it was discovered that people have attachment styles that determine their relationships with others. So yeah, there is a logical reason behind why you always end up in unrequited relationships- why you always end up with that yoruba demon you know would break your heart, why the one who claims to love you keeps ghosting you, why your best friend would go weeks and months without checking up on you and you on the other end do love been checked on and checking on others, etc.
Attachment styles are mostly influenced by our earliest interactions with our parents or caregivers. The relationships we have with our primary caretakers have an effect on how our brain perceives the world and people around us. If your parents were able to create a secure and loving environment for you in your childhood, it could explain why you are such a pro at relationships. If not, then you might experience difficulties in intimate relationships and even friendships.
Without further ado, what are the attachment styles and how do they affect your relationships?
There are secure and insecure attachment styles. People like that your friend Tope, that has been in a beautiful and peaceful relationship with that guy, Tayo for 3 years, probably has a secure attachment style. According to PsychCentral, people like these feel comfortable with vulnerability, easily trust others, comfortable being alone because they were raised in a home where they could be vulnerable and validated.
On the other hand, insecure attachment are of three types;
1. Dismissive Avoidants- The fiercely independent. If you are the type that puts others at arms length , refuses to commit and be vulnerable then you are an avoidant- You ghost people for no reason and leave them wondering what they did wrong!!! This maybe as a result of growing up with parents that are distant, weren’t able to provide emotional support, parents who reprimanded you for crying or showing emotions. Avoidants hurt themselves and others by pulling away the moment things get too serious. If you on this table you need to take conscious efforts to letting go of this attachment style. Relationships are important in life, as no one can live as an island. Allow people love you, and allow yourself to be loved. Being loved is very therapeutic and it is okay to show emotions. However, emotions should be expressed with emotional intelligence. This is an important factor. If you have friends or partner on this table, first, understand them and then help them realize this. Then give them the space and time to gradually grow out of it. Show them how it is to be loved.
2. Anxious Preoccupied - Have your partners or friends complained of you being too clingy? Are you the overly jealous type? Are you in constant need of validation? We all know that person, Bayo, Titi that is always checking their partners phone. People like these were most likely raised by parents that could be cold and distant today and warm and loving tomorrow. They tend to grow up thinking it’s their fault that their parents withdraw often from them. They have abandonment issues which makes them clingy and insecure in relationships. The need for constant validation can be off-putting to others leading to breakups. If you are on this table, learn how to detach how you relate with your parents with others. Due to the fact that we are different as humans, different approaches are required for each relationship you find yourself. You do not need constant validation of being loved from others. Love yourself first and believe you can be loved.
3. Fearful Avoidant - If you are both overly clingy and overly independent then you are a fearful avoidant. Sewa !!! one minute you miss your boyfriend the next minute he irritates you. Most people who fall under this category are usually those who have or had parents whom were mostly abusive or mean, leading to a deep mistrust of others and low self esteem. Your fear of rejection leads you to withdraw, but you crave intimacy because your low self esteem makes you need validation from others. The back and forth can get confusing for friends and partners resulting in strained relationships. Work on yourself esteem, allow yourself to be loved by others, consciously learn to not be overly paranoid and do not be scared of rejection. Not everyone you like would like you and not every one you want to be with, would want to be with you.
Overall, insecure attachment styles can be fixed with conscious attempt to change, effective communication and therapy. Identifying the problem and type of attachment is the first step towards change. They not only affect relationships but could lead to substance abuse, anger issues, social anxiety and so on. Fixing them is paramount for a good mental health. Identify your insecure attachment style and work on it.
Source of Facts: Online Web
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